even if it were possible, it would be a short phase

like a cobbler fixing a wobbly shoe, or having plastic surgery on your face.

typing my blog in the darkness, and the song that's playing on my blog.

i like the dark now, its mysterious, which is the reason why its safe.

while many fear it i embrace with every drop of blood in my system.

the air conditioning is set to a low 16 degrees celsius, but body feels like its on fire now.

hallelujah to the wholesome families out there. treasure the love that is there. if its fading, salvage it, salvage it before it dissolves in front of your very own eyes. Do something about it, make a difference, not to stand out, but to lead. lead the rest out of the darkness. i'll stay here, in the nice, cold dark room of four corners. i'll watch your every move, i'll see every problem that lies in every soul that has lost love. i'll look for it for you, don't worry about me. helping you is what shall do, what i will do, and what i'm made to do.

love is all around, maybe its covered by a cloud of dust. blow it away, make it warm, like a home made apple pie full of loving warmth.

rationing my breaths? nah, i'll take every god damn breath i want. i've been trying so hard, but who cares? you think living life is about the happy moments? well, you idiots have failed maths, much worse than the f9s that i walk around with. calculate the number of happy moments over the sad moments. i assure you you will never in your life achieve an improper fractions, because forever will the top be smaller than the bottom. woohoo, i can count.

going over every weekend, when the other fades into another world.

i love my half-brother, he is a bastard to my biological mother.

i carried him in the rain, ran as fast as i could. we went to get ice cream from shell station because he wanted ice cream. it was pouring, i took of my shirt to cover his head and used another plastic bag to cover his head. thank goodness he was dry and didn't fall sick. 

i love you ryan, i know its hard for you to understand now, but i assure you, i'll be by your very side fighting against this cruel world we are forced to face. never will i leave your side. we shall go to war together like real men. 16 year old, and 4 year old. with your pure innocence, and my tortured soul. life's gonna be much tougher for you when you're my age next time. i know it will be. but never worry, i'm here for you brother, fuck the half bloodedness. we share the same blood for all the fuck i care. i'll be there for you. i promise i will be.

mummy, i know its tough facing this world without love. perhaps some god up there will be kind enough to send an angel down beside you. i won't mind you having another husband. if its what would really make you happy, make you not worry so much. make you a better person. its okay mummy, everyone needs love from a particular someone, even i do. i forgive you for calling ryan a bastard, perhaps someday you will come to an understanding too, that it was never his fault he was brought into this world, but now that he's here, i have no choice but to protect his soul. and i will fight against any daring soul to the last drop of blood if i have to. thank you mummy for your everlasting support, but my life's too complicated to make simple sometimes, i hope one day you will understand.

jiejie, grandma would really love to see you, do come over more often, we'd all love to see that smile on that pretty face more often. your beauty is in who you are sister, in every thing you do. we've fought many times, but to come to an understanding one day, and laugh to ourselves about our sillylessness. thanks for giving such a feminine touch to my life, making me a more gentlemanly person and teaching me about things in life thats given me a head start at races in life.

grandma, haha, you can't even understand english. but what the heck. your love for your son and your grandson have been everlasting. your persistence in the hell house has been worshipable. i will never forget the day you left lakepoint condominium when i was primary 2. no worries grandma, i will look after myself. you have to promise you do too. thanks for all the birthday noodles, i love you.

yo daddyo! the most respectable man in my life. for all the mistakes that you've made and all the times you've been an asshole of a man. i still love you, i still forgive you. thank you so much for sticking around us. i know its not easy to work your job, but if one day you give it up for something less stressful, with a lower pay, and we lose our wealth, i won't mind daddy, its okay. i can live without everything except a happy father. thank you for all your inspirational talks. i know you've wanted to see good results, but i'm sorry for the red underlines. i just can't help but hover over the problems that we're in right now. i fear that if i don't  do anything about it, it'll be too late next time. you dad, is the one man who has impacted my life, be in good or bad ways. but i'm still appreciative for it. thanks for giving me your everlasting support. sorry if i was the reason you got wealthy and made you make the wrong decisions you did in your life. sorry daddy. thanks for everything.

cheryl, haha, isn't that a lovely name? who'd thought i'd actually fall in love with you even when i knew so little about you? thank you for all the beautiful times over the past 10++ months. I really wish you'd let me help you sometimes, i know baby, your soul is still pure. untouched. but we've grown up now, and its time you learnt things about reality, for you'll be even more hurt if you're unable to cope next time. I do wish sometimes you'd be more affectionate though, but i know there are some things i just can't change about you. but things that have to change, have to change. baby, i love you so much, that i want to do anything in my will to make you a better someone, and sorry if i get irritated sometimes, but i'd hope you'd trust me a bit more okay? what you said yesterday did break my heart. it shattered every piece of it. but i forgive you baby, and i hope you too will treat me with love and forgiveness. i'll forgive you for every mistake you do baby. i remember you told me once about how it was good that i reflected, but do reflect yourself as well after a quarrel okay? i know sometimes its my fault, but like i've been saying a long time ago, it takes two to clap. i'd love to hear you apologise more, but only if you've come to realise how much i've done for you okay? and how much you've overlooked at all the small details. i love you cheryl chu, god i love you sooooo much i can't bear to ever let you go. it hurts sometimes to hear the truth, i know, but if its to make you a better person baby, i have no choice but to do so. i'm sorry. i do hope you do some soul-searching as i have done many times in thinking of anything that i've overlooked what you've done for me. about the times i try my very best to meet you, why i want to meet you, about waiting, at times, hours on ends, about how i try every time, to try my very best to be your sole companion in the wee hours of the morning. i hope you do baby, i love you. thank you for everything that you've done for me baby, all the kisses, all the letters, presents, lunches, times. thank you baby.