i was supposed to have tuition, told ying ling ( my wonderful tutor), that my bro's birthday was tomorrow, so had to reschedule, she was okay with it.
but, what to tell mummy?
i'm going for my little brother's party?
and she'll be like: i told you to stay away from that bastard right?
well, that's what you get when you live a split life.
actually, more than that. Much much more.
you get a mum, and a dad. you get love from both, you get care from both. you get advice from both.
this is what i get. i get, all of the above, and, meaningless family photos. hatred. mental torment. hurt. and every other saddening emotion you can think of.
i'm trying so hard, to get rid of the f9 logo printed on me. to study harder. to love more. to appreciate more. to be the best for every god damn thing.
the best boyfriend,
the best son,
the best educated,
the best guy,
the best friend.
i've achieved none.
here's why i've failed.
i can never seem to keep her happy 100%, i end up spoiling her mood.
this son has 2 sides to live to a 100%, so its a total of 200%, 5 days a week i spend with mummy, 1 and a 1/2 days with daddy. Being so preoccupied with everything else, i can't be the best.
with this kind of shit scores i'm getting, i ain't going nowhere. i keep telling myself to study, make mummy and daddy proud, but i'm doing worse. far worse.
i've got every shit flaw that you can think of.
i've told the guys i'd try my best to but i'm only trying like 50% of the time.
is it i'm expecting too much of myself?
no no, no way. everyone else can be the best at least one of it, why can't i?
because i'm a hopeless, useless, motherfucking bum thats why.
sucking up the air that should be given to others.
shorterning people's life by taking away their time.
you know what, i dont know where's this post going.
i love her so much. i really don't know if i'm doing anything wrong. i wish i knew if i did. now she's damned pissed with me. and i don't know what to do to please her anymore
